The greatest news item I ever read was that thing about Japanese audiences thinking American Godzilla is too fat.
My favorite part in this movie was whenever Ken Watanabe did or said anything. Especially when he first said “Godzilla” and especially when he would just sort of stare into the distance looking like he had indigestion.
Total Dogs: 1.
Surviving Dogs: Probably 0.
There’s also a Jackson’s chameleon on screen briefly. It’s fine. It’s a lizard. Godzilla loves all the little lizards.
X-Men Days Of Future Past (2014).
When I saw this movie there was another nerd sitting two seats away from me, also alone. He was the most into this movie of almost anyone I’ve ever seen. At the end of the movie he audibly gasped and said “oh my god!” Then as the other 20-some odd people were walking out at the credits were rolling, he tried to get everyone to start applauding. He was the best. Way better than that guy sitting next to me when I saw Up who was loudly weeping through the whole thing.
Total Nixon-Owned Dogs: 3. Good ol’ Checkers.
Surviving Nixon-Owned Dogs: 3.
Here is the entirety of the short story “Animal Rescue” by Dennis Lehane, which the upcoming Tom Hardy/Noomi Rapace/final James Gandolfini film (so sad!) The Drop is based on. The Drop features the cutest pitbull puppy possibly ever heavily in the trailer so obviously it was a source of concern.
As a note, in adaptation things often change so the puppy’s story fate and movie fate may be different. Also read “Animal Rescue,” won’t you? It’s very good!
Total Dogs: 1.
Surviving Dogs: 1.
Misfits (2009 - 2013).
How dare this show not use my favorite Misfits song as its theme.
It’s Skins but funnier and with superpowers. I had very strong feelings about Evil Rudy, his evilness slightly signified by his love of the ukulele, on this show—after all, I am only a woman. Also I am forever trying to ignore upsetting news about racially-charged assaults committed by the actress who played my favorite character, Fucking Rocket Scientist Kelly.
Total Creatures: 1 mouse, 1 cat-zombie.
Surviving Creatures: 0 mice, 0 cat-zombies.
I feel like there were some dogs in this somewhere but I completely forgot about them. So…sorry for forgetting you if you existed, Fictional Dogs.
I remembered the dogs! One is ambiguous. Ambiguous as to whether or not it was there, that is. It was in like the second episode. Or there was a dude who thought he was dog sometimes who possibly had a dog. Also there was a psychic seeing-eye dog. Both were fine! Man this show was weird! I’m sad I won’t be regularly seeing Joe Gilgun now.
The Wolverine (2013).
Look. it’s possible there are twice the animal deaths in this movie than I know about. I didn’t make it all the way through! I got to the part where you sort of see Wolverine’s butt at least. So the most important part. But man. This is movie. Pretty cheesy, you guys! I’ll probably finish it soon.
Total Bears: 1.
Surviving Bears: 0.
Under the Skin (2014).
I forgot there was a dog in this so I could write about it. I had very strong feelings about this movie which was stuffed with a lot of visual conversations about objectification and performing gender. I suppose my worry is it will mostly be thought of as “the movie where you see Scarlett Johansson’s boobs a couple of times”.
Also I don’t wear fur (for obvious reasons) but MAN ALIVE did I love Scarlett Johansson’s little Joan Jett-ish get-up through this whole thing.
Total Dogs: 1.
Surviving Dogs: 0.
Grand Budapest Hotel (2014).
Hey, a new Wes Anderson movie came out. THINK YOU CAN GUESS whether a small animal dies in it?! I don’t even need to make this post. But I did like this movie a lot and I especially love that in it Jude Law’s author character suffers from something called “scribe’s fever”.
Total Cats: 1.
Surviving Cats: 0.
Inside Llewyn Davis (2013).
I’ve been watching my way through the Oscar movies and so far there aren’t a lot of animals in them. The worry is the only movie that will definitely have some farm animals in it is 12 Years As A Slave which I won’t be able to cover because come on. I’m going to feel like history’s greatest monster if I talk about the fates of the animals in the movie about the horrors of slavery.
Total Cats: Either 2 or 3.
Total Cats: Difficult to say! Minimum 1. I choose to assume 3.
I love every Coen Brothers movie. Also Adam Driver singing in this is perfection.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013).
My sister kept calling this The Hungry Games. When I told her that’s what Sesame Street called its parody of the movies, she was pleased to find out she’s as clever as Cookie Monster.
Anyway, if you’re wondering if you should see this movie I feel this is a comprehensive review.
Total Mandrills: a bunch.
Surviving Mandrills: maybe like a couple? Actually ultimately probably zero, but you don’t see all of them die.
It sort of annoyed me that immediately after fighting these mandrills Catnip, Pita Bread and that other guy immediately went fishing. They just killed at least like four monkeys. Why not just use one of them for their sweet, sweet monkey meat?
New posts coming soon.
In the meantime, please revel in the glorious new avatar associated with this blog. I left it blank for a long time and finally decided it would be best represented by a movie featuring the most tragic fictional animal death of all, Turner and Hooch.